Between black & white

-Boikanyo Mothoagae

---

Is red

A red that loves

A red that kills

My mother puts me down

& tells me to go on

Go to school &

I weep

I miss her soon as she rides off

Not a day has she not

Worked

That’s where i learnt

Women like my mother

Like my grandmother

Like my aunt

All they know is work

And all they know is

Love

A love that labours

A love that signs heavy

With a day filled with tasks

And all I know

Is the ease of a wave

Where feeling

Rushes out of nowhere

& no work is put into

Making an ocean

Only to swim

Only to sing

—

Red drips down my thighs

A red i hate

By all means i try to forget

That night

Those many nights

These confusing mornings

The flashbacks i ride

Into a black reality

And a white abyss

Tuned into a song

My guitar takes us back

Into the present

Where i try to stay

Red - happy

Red - lipped

Ready to party

To drink

To sing

But all the laughs it brings

Have travelled from nowhere

Because no belly roars

A silent echo of fake memories

I try to see beyond

The black

The white

To the

Red

But love has never been sweet

And i know

No bounds

My strength recedes

My tears refilled

My red heart

Is colonised

Grey

And that is when i

Finally

See

That love is not

Child’s play

Even though children

Possess its true

And only colour

—

My father puts me down

& tells me goodbye

He has to go, as always &

I stare

I silently pray as soon as he rides off

Not a day has he lived

At home with me

That’s where i learnt

Men like my father

Like my boyfriend

Like my broken heart

All they know is hope

And all they know is heaven

A heaven that does not exist

A heaven that comes & lifts

Away with lost promises

And all i know

Is the pain of

A man missing since birth

Where blood

Oozes out of nowhere

& all hope is put into finding something to fill

Only to drown

Only to die

Red drips down my thigh

A red i hate

__

A red i love

By all means i try to remember

That night

Those few nights

These nostalgic days

The memories i miss

Into a white nest

And a black mother

Moved into a dance

My feet carry us back

Into the present

Where i suffer

Red - sad

Red - raw

Ready to take

My own life

To kill

To kiss

Anyone that can

Take this

Bleeding away

But the lust it brings

Has travelled from nowhere

Because nobody knows me

A trap of thirst

A rape later

I try to see beyond

My own soul

To the

Grey clouding

My past

My present

My future

The grey suffocating

My lungs

My skin

My voice

The grey holding

My mom

My dad

My self

In a red chokehold

In a love trap

In a destiny

I cannot yet understand.

Where behold:

Between black & white

Is red

Not grey

A red that loves

A red that kills